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Red Carpet

The Hautelist # 13: Red Carpet Dos and Don’ts

The red carpet – that wool nylon mix which can make or break a million dollar career in a matter of minutes.  The nearest most of us plebs will ever get to this pinnacle of glamour is a posh wedding – where we diet and preen in an attempt to achieve that picture perfect Hollywood look in our off-the-rack high street frocks.  In reality the real thing is a much more convoluted process involving publicists and managers, stylists and PRs, hair and make-up teams, some tough negotiations and no doubt the odd A-list tantrum.  With all this effort and expertise it never fails to amaze me when someone manages to get it wrong – I always think someone along the line wasn’t being honest – ‘yes of course you look spectacular daaaarling, just stunning’.

This week we’ve been treated to some first class red carpet action just a stones throw away in Cannes, so let’s take a look at who looked hot, and who was lied to…

Red Carpet

Everything is right about Rachel McAdams in this Louis Vuitton (Ivory Silk Leopard Jaquard) gown (with cache Coeur draped dress goddess tail – FYI).  Forget that white is the red carpet gown colour de jour, as that has little to do with the magic formula that makes this Rachel/ Vuitton combination shine.  If you break it down all the components for success are there – beautiful girl in a beautiful dress – but as we know this doesn’t always spell red carpet success (Angelina Jolie in her brown satin Ferragamo looked dull and outdated).  It’s all the little intricacies of the dress and the girl – and their perfect correlation in the sexy/ classic/ quirky stakes for instance, which make the magic happen.  Rachel – an actress in her prime, with her perfectly slim, toned body and peachy pale skin is the perfect match for this classically sophisticated, flash-of-flesh sensual gown.  Her premiere-tousled hair with it’s nod to the ‘50s, the well-balanced jewellery – earrings but no necklace, ring on one hand, bracelet on the other, give the look a stylish, old Hollywood feel, while the oh-so-now orange lippie and black shoes (which shouldn’t work but do) remind us that she’s young, fun and individual. Red carpet perfection.

Amber Traffic Light

Personally, I think the red carpet should be all about the floor length gown.  You can do short any day of the week, and nothing feels as glamorous as meters of expensive fabric swishing around you.  Still, if you’ve got pins like Naomi and wanna get them out, who am I to stand in your way?  If the long gown is all about glamour, then the short dress should be all about fun, as La Campbell so eloquently shows us in this AW11 yellow feather Versace number.  This is a red carpet power move in more ways than one.  When most of us think of Naomi we think of that temper, and let’s not forget that the last time we saw her was that little blood diamond incident (which I’m sure her and her people are keen for us to all forget).  Here though, in this flirty, frivolous dress she’s sending out a new message – ‘Hey guys, look at me, I’m cute and playful and all kinds of fun….and you know nothing, I mean NOTHING about any dodgy gifts or assistants with black eyes!!’…and suddenly we don’t.  Red carpet genius.

 

Black Bin Liner

Oh Goldie Hawn – you’ve always been a fashion liability, but in the ‘80s it was so tricky to pick the wheat from the chaff, and your body was so youthful and springy and hot that we just forgave you anyway…..but now….oh boy. There’s no hiding behind that pert bosom and those massive shoulder pads, and we’re afraid what we’re seeing ain’t good.  Now, let me say here that I hate Gok Wan.  How that man came to be a ‘stylist’ I’ll never know, but if ever someone was in need of his ‘know your body shape and balance the wonky bastard out’ advice it is Goldie and her people.  Anyone with two eyes and an honest heart can clearly see that Goldie, in this dress, looks like a top heavy upside down triangle; and anyone with two eyes and an honest heart will admit that this is not visually pleasing.  What’s more – that buxom bosom ain’t what it used to be, which is fine – it’s natural, and I honestly applaud Goldie for not going plastic fantastic, because cosmetic surgery is gross and tacky and dishonest.  All I’m saying is for the love of god someone please a. be honest with this woman and tell her what (in her heart) she probably already knows; b. brush her hair and give that fringe a trim; c. get her a fucking bra!

-Siam Goorwich



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