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Why R. Kelly’s ‘Black Panties’ Will Soundtrack Your Next Baby-Making Session

Tracing R. Kelly’s career is like a timeline of sexual escapades, narrated by the love-provider himself, and climaxing in a soulful ode to the his most recent sexual conquests. It’s almost as if after every single (probably double) partner, Kelly rolls off his luxe fur sheets and with a body full of post-coital endorphins, lands in the studio ready to record another billboard-topping sex jam.

From day one, Robert Sylvester Kelly burst onto the scene “running his hands through his ‘fro” and exuding the kind of audible seduction to blueball Barry White. Consequently, his records will have been played at every teenagers virginal attempt to set the mood and get down to a lil’ Bump N’ Grind.

Now, Kellz is readying the release of his next 16-track make-out album, the inspiringly titled Black Panties. And in true R. Kelly style, the soulful Lothario has begun working some pre-release foreplay to tease us into his twelfth studio album. Here’s why ‘Black Panties’ will be the soundtrack to your next baby-making session:

The album artwork and tracklisting:

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On the left we have a cover of Kellz donning a bowler hat, playing a black pantied mistress like a cello. Damn. On the right, like a magnet to shirtless bbz, Kelly is being swarmed by females, too wearing black panties. If that doesn’t ooze sexy, I might as well load up tinder and #swiperight till I find something that does.

And then there is the album tracklist… Personal favourites include, ‘Legs Shakin’, ‘Throw This Money on You’, ‘Marry the Pussy’, ‘All the Way’, ‘Crazy Sex’, ‘Show Ya Pussy’ and ‘Every Position’. Woah.

The SNL Performance:

Joining forces with one of the most sexually-promiscuous pospstress’, Kelly and Gaga took to the SNL stage to perform ‘Do What U Want’, complete with dry-humping, air-fellatio and push-ups of a sexual nature. Needless to say, Kelly has definitely rekindled his libido pending the release of Black Panties.

It’s an R. Kelly album:

If, like me, your sex jams playlist (that’s a thing right?) is already packed with R. Kelly love ballads, you should be aware that he is a maestro when it comes to seducing any late-night sleepovers. Basically, combine Kelly’s knack for turning any subject into a sexual ballad (see: this video with Rolling Stone) with the vocals of a one-man gospel choir and you will be uttering pillow-talk in no time. Thanks, Kellz.

Now, it’s hard to talk about the seductive nature of R. Kelly without a bitter tinge (read: rage) stemming from his – albeit alleged – accounts of underage sexual activity. But if ever there was a way to brush aside any illegal claims, it would be to release one of the greatest songs of all time, aka ‘Ignition (Remix)’. From then, Kelly would embark on an illustrious and sex-fuelled career, arming himself with enough experience and reference points to write a discography full of bedroom soundtracks. With Black Panties on the way, we can safely say that R. Kelly’s sweet nothings will laying down the roses for your next baby-making session.

- James Embiricos

The Black Panties will drop on December 10th



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