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Can Someone Tell will.i.am it’s Not the Future

2014 has well and truly begun. The inundation of all things that scream NEW YEAR have completed their monotonous cycles; from the habitual moans of struggling through dry January to the final dissipation of Ones to Watch lists. And of course, the start of a new series of mainstream searching talent shows, fronted by a panel of has-beens desperate to reignite their careers (see: dude from Kasabian). With a new series of The Voice, we have been rewarded with a host of will.i.am quotes to get our minds firmly set on the future. Or in will.i.am’s case, the now. Remember: this is the start of 2014, not the 2032 reawakening depicted in Snipes/Stallone’s Demolition Man.

His first re-imagination of the now is 3D merchandise. Speaking to BBC News, will.i.am said: “The merch booth hasn’t changed since The Grateful Dead or The Rolling Stones. Enter the 3D printer. Now you will be able to print 3D images and objects from that night. Now you go see Lady Gaga in concert. There’s not just lights onstage, but scanners and she does some crazy pose. You capture that moment and print her.” While this may seem like a modest suggestion to combine latest technology with merchandise, it only adds to douchebagery of a man that’s so 3000 and 8, while we are just sitting here in 2000 and late.

Heading over to will.i.am’s website – which adds to the litter of post-future idealism with it’s lack of a .com, and instead uses a .am radio domain – you are navigated through a finger scroll of elaborate projects, reading more like a glorified online portfolio than an artist website. It’s a constant reminder that this is the future. When really, it’s 2014 and I still can’t get a Justin Bieber hologram to appear in front of my dance troupe.

The first of will.i.am’s ridiculous force-fed futurism is an enlarged mugshot of the digital don, freshly trimmed with his #postSWAG haircut:

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Continuing the scroll through will.i.am’s portfolio and we are reminded of his endeavors into the world of technology. An excerpt reads, “Technology is infused into the world of will.i.am as an essential element.  It powers everything that he does. As the Director of Creative Innovation for Intel, will.i.am conceptualizes the next frontier of interactive technology by acting as an idea generator.” Got that? will.i.am is an ‘idea generator’; a capsule that churns out innovative concepts by traveling to the future in a telephone box that he probably designed himself.

We then get an introduction to “his interest in the interplay between digital photography and augmented technology”, aka the i.am+ foto.soho, an iPhone case that dramatically improves the quality and social aspects of the built-in camera. Here’s a mind-blowing video of will.i.am explaining the pertinence of this device:

Next up, will.i.am makes an addition to his claim for look of SS32. Here’s what Notion’s resident fashion expert, Seb Law, had to say about this get-up: “the fantastic four as if they were made by the Red Dwarf special effects department cicra ’94.”

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The final link to another dimension is his preferred mode of transport. What with this being the future and all, will.i.am can’t be seen cruising around in your standard automobile. Instead, he created his own custom vehicle that took two years to build and somehow reflects his desire to be superman (his words, not mine).

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Pimp My Ride, Episode 32, Season 1560

SO CAN SOMEONE TELL WILL.I.AM THAT IT’S NOT THE FUTURE, PLEASE.

- James Embiricos

All images sourced from the future and via will.i.am’s website

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