Oh boy... Buckle in readers, it’s about to get pre-tty mental up in here..

By now, I’m assuming you’ll have heard about Antichrist, the psychological horror forward slash torture-porn atrocity forward slash satirical wackathon by Lars Von Trier. If you posses a set of genitalia (male or female), you’ll want to approach this film with extreme caution.

So yeah, pretty nuts really. Quite a lot of massively explicit sex, which is obviously a plus, but unfortunately this is surrounded by four or five of the most brutally graphic acts of violence I’ve ever seen. It would take a tenacious wanker indeed to try and tug himself off to this movie. In fact, that would be quite a good idea for a Special Feature when they bring out the DVD - you could have a little man in the corner of the screen (like when they do signing for the Deaf) attempting to do a realtime wankalong to the film. He’ll never make it. 

They could use this film in Roman Catholic primary schools as an educational resource; “What’s that? Mummy says sexual intercourse is perfectly natural and that we shouldn’t be afraid to openly talk about it does she? Right! Have a watch of this you little sinners..”

It stars Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsburg as a married couple in mourning after the death of their infant son, who retreat to an isolated wood-cabin to work through the psychological impact of their loss. Needless to say, that doesn’t go very well..

So, I’m not exactly sure what to make of it. There have been suggestions that Von Trier conceived the whole film as an elaborate prank to wind up idiots. Which is great if it’s true - as a general rule of thumb, anything that pisses off The Daily Mail is usually entirely justified and excellent.

At the same time, it’s also a bit of a shame. Somewhere in amongst all the thrills and spills (and by “thrills and spills” I basically mean people having their testicles bashed in with a breezeblock) is a very serious and affecting film about bereavement, probably the most visceral emotion a human being can experience. But it’s almost as though Von Trier is embarrassed by his own achievement and is seeking to mask it by turning the film into the cinematic equivalent of the Nemesis ride at Alton Towers.

As well as been horrifically painful to watch, at times the film is also just a bit silly - most notably the scene with the talking fox. This is actually worse than any of the torture stuff I think, as it undermines a film that very nearly could have been a masterpiece. It’s a bit like if Michelangelo had got halfway through carving the statue of David and then had been like “fuck it, let’s just make the bottom half into a Mermaid and stick a vagina on his head. Boom!” 

The opening prologue, for example, is one of the most beautiful and haunting sequences I’ve ever seen in the cinema. Dafoe and Gainsburg are making passionate love in the shower while, unattended, their little boy clambers out of his cot, toddles over to the window and falls five stories to his death. It’s shot in black and white to the accompaniment of a Händel aria and is done with surprising amount of restraint - as he falls from the window, the camera cuts to the little boy’s teddy bear tumbling through the snowflakes.

EXCEPT, in the middle of this harrowing yet bewitching scene, Von Trier cuts to an entirely unnecessary slow motion close-up of Willem Dafoe’s penis. Bleeeuuuuurrrgh! The response of most of the audience I was sitting with was to burst out laughing. And rightly so - the human penis, even when it belongs to such a well respected performer as Willem Dafoe (Platoon, The Last Temptation of Christ), is a fundamentally silly looking object. The simple fact is, and I’m sure he’d be the first to admit this, that Willem Dafoe’s massive wanger lacks the poise and gravitas to justify such somber black and white cinematography and operatic backing track. 

And in slow motion as well, slow motion! Gliding imperiously towards his wife’s vagina looking a bit champion swimmer Rebecca Adlington in a artistically rendered photo finish at the Beijing Olympics.

Apart from that it’s great. Not ideal for a first date, if I’m honest. Although it’ll give you more to talk about afterwards than Harry Potter..