Planet Notion - Culture Vulture

04/09/2007

Foul, distended, rotting and, above all, tasty – these are the corpses of Culture littering the British landscape, and the Vulture is perched considering each vile hulk with eager anticipation. The Vulture reflects that perhaps the flesh of the season’s contemporary classical music might best be enjoyed with a sharp Muscadet and olives... Turning to the stars of the celebrity firmament, he gleefully imagines savouring Russell Brand’s inevitable downfall with a hubris-rich Béarnaise sauce.

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“It was a mark of his absolute civility and culture,” wrote W. Somerset Maugham, “that he had achieved nothing in his life bar absolute mastery of the Art of Conversation.” Dilettantes everywhere pay heed – culture is most enjoyable when wielded to display one’s superiority. Anticipation(111 Great Titchfield St, London; 24/05-07/06) is this summer’s exhibition to wryly condemn others for missing during casual chat. Run by three art world-hardened harridans of sublime judgement, the show collates work from the most exciting recent graduates; in particular, Boo Ritson’s photographs of painted models revel in everything grotesque about people while celebrating (only slightly) our humanity.

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For those who consider America crass and vulgar, good news! New York magazine has officially passed the crown for world capital on to Lahndan Tahhhn, apparently in a ceremony witnessing symbolic copulation between both city’s representative Allens: be-cardiganed Woody and gauche Lily. Consolidating this hideous spectacle is the Mayor’s Lates campaign, which is facilitating museums and galleries across this still-idiot-riddled city to make said idiots less idiotic by opening late on weeknights.

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Aside from providing the Vulture’s recommended way to artistically cop a feel, Lates is also bringing us First Thursdays, a Whitechapel-led initiative organising late night openings and events throughout east London. May’s inventive programme saw a vast, suggestive Hoxton Square pillow fight and the Art Hunt though the infinite galleries of Hipster Central.

Such should be the gregarious public spirit created by late night viewings and extended Tube running times that the event of la Brand being hanged from London Bridge by one of his stringy, effete little scarves (this year’s preferred equinox celebration) will be a moment of community spirit to rival the Blitz. This might briefly distract the Vulture from the fact that Europe’s Largest Cultural Quarter is about to be flattened by bulldozers paid for with all the Arts Funding gobbled up by the giant Olympic folly of 2012.

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In the spirit of community, the Royal Festival Hall (08/06-10/06, London Southbank) reopens in June with 48 hours of free concerts. Come see what 23 months and £91 million can make, whilst also basking in the glory of others’ artistic endeavours for free. The Vulture also recommends Tate Modern’s Long Weekend (25/05-28/05).

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Though he lingers immovably on his perch atop the Gherkin, the Vulture is aware of a world beyond Zone 2. The first Manchester International Festival(28/06-15/07, city-wide) is the world’s largest gathering of new exhibitions, including the sight of Damon Albarn’s ego (which long ago consumed his body) collaborating with Gorrilaz’ artist Jamie Hewlett on an opera of Chinese mythturned- cult-70s-TV show “Monkey” – I believe they call it “high concept”.

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Meanwhile, concrete wasteland Birmingham hosts a festival to comfort its citizens: New Generation Artists (14/06-29/06) will feature cultural names as big as Germaine “compromised credibility” Greer debating regional art and workshops for budding creatives, all under the ever-relevant theme of “Identity and Diversity”. The NGA should provide Birmingham residents something to do other than gouge out their own hearts in despair.

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Finally, the Vulture implores you to remember that, for all his culture, he is still a bird and loves nothing more during the summer than to take flight on the warm breeze and survey all there is around him. He advises there is nothing more cultural or educational than simply taking a walk with your eyes open. It’s amazing what morsels you might feast on.

WHAT: Atlas Gallery

WHERE: 49 Dorset Street, London W1U 7NF

EXHIBITIONS: Floris Neususs’ exquisite photogram light-paintings (27/04-02/06) will be followed by Vintage and Recent Acquisitions (14/06-14/07), highlighting the best of 19th and 20th century fine art photography, including the revolutionary Man Ray and controversial Nazi propagandist Leni Reifenstahl.

Art Date

WHAT: “Sleep”, Andy Warhol’s 18 hour film of his then-lover, poet John Giorno, asleep accompanied by the performance that inspired it, John Cage’s staging of epic 18hour repetitive work “Vexations 1893.”

WHERE: Tate Modern, Southbank

WHEN: 19:30 27/05 – 14:00 28/05; ticketed. The Vulture compels you to disobey self-styled “poet” Scroobius Pip’s 193^rd commandment thou shalt always use art and music to get into someone’s pants. Where better than in the iconic Tate Modern, during this gruelling and impossibly pretentious (but doubtless fantastic) 18 hour film and music performance? While the rest of the audience is either following the lead of Giorno (asleep) or Warhol (too whacked on speed to touch their own noses), you and Date can shove hands knicker-wards guilt free, whilst also luxuriating in the knowledge that you’ll have been a part of this high-brow nonsense without needing to appreciate absolutely anything about it.